Reach for the Light
by Night of StarClan
Summary: My first StarTrek FanFiction. The Enterprise gets a new Mission. It leads them to a memorial-festivity on Tarsus IV. How will Kirk battle his old demons and what has a song got to do with it?


**StarTrek doesn't belong to me.**

**R&R please.**

* * *

**Please go easy on me. This is my first StarTrek Fic.**

* * *

„Does anyvone know vhat's up with ze keptin lately?", asked Ensign Pavel Andreievich Chekov, navigator aboard the _USS Enterprise_, his gaze on the doors their captain had just vanished through. "No idea", answered Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, Communications Officer of the _USS_ _Enterprise_. "Beats me", said Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, helmsman of the _USS_ _Enterprise_.

"Spock do you have any idea?"

At Uhura's question the three present members of the command crew all turned to face their First Officer. The Vulcan looked up from his station and answered: "Negative Lieutenant, I do not know what caused the latest changes in our captain."

Pavel sighed at that. That meant they had only Montgomery Scott, Lieutenant Commander and Chief Engineer of the _USS_ _Enterprise_, and Dr Leonard McCoy, the Chief Medical Officer of the _USS_ _Enterprise_ and the Captain's closest friend left to ask. Pavel doubted they'd get answers though. If Mr Scott knew something, he wouldn't rat the captain out and if Dr McCoy did, Pavel shuddered a little. The young Russian wasn't all that certain he could bring up the guts to ask the gruff doctor.

"Mr Chekov." The First Officer's voice snapped Pavel out of his musings and he turned his head.

"Yes Commander?"

"I take you finished calculating our way with the coordinates Starfleet sent us? If we are to arrive at our new destination in time, we will need to leave as soon as possible."

"Ah, aye sir. Coordinates coming to you and Mr Sulu now." Pavel worked on his console quickly and soon he had sent the coordinates over.

"Coordinates received. Locking on coordinates 3.89N 3.11E…locked on…" Pavel glanced over at Sulu when the helmsman trailed off. Surprised he found his colleague and friend simply staring down at his console. "Mr Sulu", called Commander Spock. "Is there a problem?" "N-no sir", answered Sulu. "Coordinates locked on…Tarsus IV, Tarsus star system."

Silence enveloped the whole bridge, till it was finally broken, about a minute later, by the intercom.

_"Captain Kirk to bridge."_

"Captain", greeted Spock and Pavel envied him for the calm voice he managed to use. He had to be shocked as well.

_"Is Chekov done with the coordinates?"_

"Affirmative Captain, though…" Pavel turned back to look at Spock, but the Vulcan kept his face void of any emotion.

_"Yes Commander?"_

"Sir Ensign Chekov's calculations set us on course for Tarsus IV."

They heard a crash from the other end of the com, followed by many colourful curse words that could only come from the CMO. _"Indeed they do Commander"_, answered the Captain, followed by a muffled: _"Goddammit Jim! Don't drop a bombshell on me like that!" _Pavel couldn't be sure, but the Captain's voice sounded unnaturally tight. _"Tell Mr Sulu to take us out please, Warp 5. Then I want you, Sulu, Uhura and Chekov in the briefing room in twenty minutes. Kirk out." _

The com went out. Pavel blinked. That was unusual as well. Normally the Captain waited for the other to answer before he turned his communicator off. After a second of silence, Spock turned to Sulu and ordered: "You heard the Captain Mr Sulu. Warp 5, take us out." "Aye Commander", answered Sulu and turned back to his console. He caught Chekov's glance and shrugged.

Who knew why Starfleet sent them to Tarsus IV.

* * *

"…Tarsus IV Jim! I mean Goddammit you couldn't have told me differently?!"

Jim Kirk leaned back in his couch while he watched his CMO pacing in front of him, ranting about their new mission. He'd been ranting non-stop for five minutes now, ever since Spock had revealed to the man that their new goal was Tarsus IV. Jim grimaced. He didn't want to go there, to be honest, if it went after his wishes, he'd hail the bridge now and tell them to turn around and get as far away from that planet as possible.

"..-id. Kid!" Jim snapped out of his stupor, to look directly into hazel eyes. "Goddammit kid, this is hitting you harder than you show, isn't it?", asked the man, worry seeping through his usually stern voice.

Jim tried to give his usual smirk, but gave up on it when it turned into another grimace. "Even more than you think Bones", sighed Jim and closed his eyes. "Why?", asked Bones back. Jim sighed and stated: "You'll get the official reason in the briefing. I can give you the unofficial one why it's us though."

Bones sighed as well and ran a hand through his hair, before collapsing next to Jim. The blonde looked at his friend, who stated: "I think I know the unofficial one Jim. What I still don't get is why they're doing that to you. The admiralty should know."

Jim snorted. As if anyone in the admiralty cared about him. Well, anyone but Pike. "I think you know that too Bones", argued Jim back. "They're not all happy with me being Captain of their Flagship. They want me back at the academy, where I seemingly belong."

"That would explain all our suicidal missions lately. They're just waiting for you to screw up, aren't they?", asked Bones, locking eyes with Jim. In them, behind the steely wall the good doctor had built, Jim saw his friends worry and compassion. The one he kept almost completely hidden most of the time. Mostly Bones only let his mask slide off when Jim's less than good past came up, especially his childhood.

"You got it. I guess they're now ready to try giving me a mental breakdown." Bones scowled and asked: "What about Pike?" Jim frowned at that, but answered: "I don't know. He couldn't say much when the admiralty sent me this mission. He did motion he'd call this evening though."

"Well, whenever he calls, I'll be there."

"Bones?"

"Don't even say it kid. You need moral support now and I'll be damned if I don't give it to you."

Jim smiled at that. "Thanks Bones. You're the best friend I could wish for." Bones waved it off and grunted: "Don't get used to it kid."

* * *

Nyota Uhura fidgeted nervously in her seat. The briefing about their mission on Tarsus IV would start any second. Only Kirk and McCoy were still absent. Uhura wasn't sure what to think of all this. Of course it would explain Kirk's strange behaviour lately, but the woman couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't more behind it. Suddenly the door to the room opened and Captain and CMO walked in.

Uhura, like the others, got up and stood attention. "At ease", ordered Kirk and walked to the head of the table. McCoy followed him close, his eyes never leaving the younger man.

Uhura narrowed her eyes at that. Normally the doctor only followed Kirk around like that when he was injured and needed watching.

"Well", began Kirk, gaining her full attention. "time for you all to get to know about our newest mission. As you already know, we're headed for the Tarsus System, Tarsus IV to be exact. Why? Well, over the last three years Starfleet checked Tarsus IV through for the Federation and found that there are no remains of the fungus that destroyed everything and they want to try colonizing the planet again."

Uhura went wide eyed. Who in their right mind would want to live there?

"Before they do that though, they want to do something else. Only a very small amount of people know about any of this, so be careful who you talk to. Fact is, Starfleet had a couple of engineers and architects build a memorial-hall on Tarsus. This hall, and the idea of recolonizing Tarsus will be represented to the federation with a small festivity. It'll be in honour of all that died during the massacre and afterwards."

Uhura shuddered at the icy tone Kirk's voice had taken. His normally warm blue eyes had gone hard and just as icy as his voice. Hatred laced every word he spoke now.

"The Federation, Starfleet failed to save Tarsus the first time. Because of that, we will represent it during the festivity. We are Starfleet's best crew, their Flagship. We will bring forth our apology. Not enough for all that happened if you ask me but-" At this McCoy's clamped down on Kirk's shoulder strongly and the captain cut himself off and took a few deep breaths. Then he smiled weakly and whispered: "Thanks Bones." McCoy only nodded, his gaze locked on Kirk's face.

"Ze keptin takes zis very hard", whispered Chekov, who sat at her left, to Sulu. The helmsman just nodded. Uhura herself was taken aback by the unhidden hate for Starfleet and the Federation Kir had just shown.

"Fact is, we are to represent those who did the wrong. Not only us, but families of the ones killed on Tarsus will be there, maybe, if Starfleet can locate them, even members of the Tarsus 9 as well. It'll be a big thing. Starfleet sent along a list of people form our ship they want down there. I'll sent the names to you Uhura, make sure everyone is informed and ready. Farther, Spock please sent this report", he moved his fingers on a PADD, "to everyone on the ship. This is all the information they should have. No more and no less." Both nodded and Kirk turned to McCoy. "Bones, you already know?"

"Yeah, yeah", answered McCoy, though Uhura was surprised that his normally gruff voice wavered a bit to something that might be…concern? "Prepare the shots necessary for everyone to get down there safely."

Kirk nodded and turned back to everyone. "That's just about it. Anything else, let me worry about it. If it concerns you in any way, I'll call. Dismissed."

Uhura, like the rest of the command crew, hesitated and looked at the captain worriedly. He looked at them all and finally the got up. The communications Officer was the last to leave the room and that was why she saw it. McCoy stood next to Kirk now, his hand still on the blonde's shoulder, while the captain himself had his head buried in his hands.

Concern swept through her, but she shoved it aside and left as well.

* * *

Jim, once he was back in his own quarters, gave a groan and collapsed face-first into his bed. He coldly ignored Bones, who was watching him worriedly. "How're you holding up kid?", asked the CMO after a while. The mattress sunk a bit when Bones sat down next to Jim. The blonde just groaned again and buried his head in his pillows. He wasn't perfect, far from it actually, so why, why was the admiralty doing this to him? A hand touched his head and fingers combed through it carefully.

"You do that when Joanna has nightmares too?", asked Jim with a dry chuckle. He knew Bones would understand his from the pillow muffled voice.

"Where do you think I learned it?", asked Bones back. There was no trace of his usual tone left in his voice. All there was, was deep worry and compassion for his friend.

Jim smiled to himself.

As infuriating as the doctor and his Hypos could be, he wouldn't wish for anyone else to be with him right now. Sometimes, when Jim was busy burying his past in alcohol and fights, he wondered what in the world he'd done to be allowed to have a friend like Bones. His thoughts sounded cheesy, he knew that. Nothing like Captain Kirk, but those weren't Kirk's thoughts after all.

Right now he was only Jim, or as Bones called him, kid.

Till they'd met Chekov, this had been a nickname that Jim had practically reserved for himself, but the blonde didn't mind sharing it with the young Russian. Because only when Bones spoke it to him, James T. Kirk, he managed to always hear a trace of the brotherly affection the two had.

The two remained in their positions for a long while. Jim simply lying on his bed, trying to push the memories that threatened to come forth away, and Bones sitting next to him, spending silent comfort. Then Jim's private com went off. "That's bound to be Pike", sighed Jim and finally pushed himself up. Bones stood up along with him and followed him to his desk. Jim sat down and accepted the call. In front of him and his CMO appeared the concerned face of the first person that made Jim understand what having a father meant. "Admiral Pike", greeted Jim.

Pike frowned and shook his head. _"None of that Jim. This is a private situation, speak with your heart."_

"Well alright then…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS THNKING SENDING ME THERE?!" Again Bones' hand was placed on his shoulder and Jim cast a glance at his concerned looking friend, but Pike merely shifted his position. He'd apparently expected that outburst.

_"I can't tell you what the rest of the Admiralty is thinking Jim. I only know what I'm thinking and right now I'm fantasizing about whacking every other Admiral who was for signing the Enterprise for this mission with my walking stick."_ He waved the stick he needed to walk ever since the incident with Nero in front of the camera before putting it awake and added: _"Well, every Admiral but Jonathan. He actually took my side and tried to get any other ship onto that mission."_

"Why that? Archer isn't my greatest fan either", asked Jim suspiciously. Archer had never liked him, but ever since he'd made Scotty his chief engineer it had gotten worse. Not that Jim blamed him. Scotty was still looking for Archer's beagle after all.

Pike sighed and answered: _"Jonathan lost his sister and niece on Tarsus IV Jim…he never really did get over that as far as my knowledge goes. But…after seeing your file yesterday his opinion of you changed quite a bit. He said, and here I quote – If anyone can go through that and still be the Captain Jim Kirk is then we have no right to try and destroy whatever he draws strength from – Quite nice for him I think."_ Jim gaped openly at Pike. He glanced at Bones again, to find him looking stunned as well. _"So honestly Jim"_, continued Pike. _"We tried, we really did. But two Admirals against the rest of the Admiralty…well, you can imagine. I shouted myself hoarse."_ As if to make a point, Pike cleared his throat and grabbed a glass of water.

Jim sighed deeply, but nodded, accepting Pike's words. He knew the man wouldn't lie to him. "Anything else I need to know off?" At this Pike hesitated and Jim exploded: "WHAT NOW? ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO GIVE THEM STARFLEET'S APOLOGY! I OF ALL PEOPLE! I HAVE THE BIGGEST REASO TO HATE STARFLEET AND I DO, OH I DO! SO WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW?! THEY-"

"JIM!" Jim froze when arms wrapped around him and pulled him against a chest. He looked up at Bones confused, but the Doctor simply hugged him tightly, before pulling back and muttering: "Kid I get your distress but…don't take it out on Pike." Jim looked back to the Admiral on his screen, who looked older than Jim had ever seen him. Bones released him slowly and Jim sat back down again, before he said: "I-sorry Chris, it's just…" Jim trailed off.

_"I know, oh Jim I know"_, answered Pike, his voice laced with sorrow. _"I can understand how you feel"_ A weak smirk appeared on the man's face. _"After all, I let you hide out in my flat when the Academy covered Tarsus IV in their courses."_

Jim smiled slightly at the memory. That time, as terrible as it had been, had been the first time in his whole life that Jim had experienced what it felt like to have a father. "And I'll never be able to thank you enough for that so…", Jim took a deep breath, "What is it?"

Pike locked eyes with him, conveying silently how sorry he was, and answered: _"Jim they…they want you to hold a speech."_ Jim paled and heard Bones growl. _"They don't care what kind of speech. It doesn't matter if you hold it as Captain James T. Kirk, as the Jim you are or…or the boy you used to be there. I'm so sorry."_ Jim leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, his insides pounded with a dangerous combination of anger, guilt, frustration and sadness. "Jim?", asked Bones and Pike after a few minutes.

Jim opened his eyes and loosened his clenched jaw. "Alright", pressed the captain out. "They want a speech, they get a speech. Anything else?"

_"One last thing Jim. Admiral Archer and myself will be there. For moral support or so you can scream at us, whatever you prefer."_ Jim couldn't help but answer Pike's smirk at that one.

"Thanks Chris."

_"You're welcome Jim…good luck."_

"Bye."

And the com turned off. "Jim?", asked Bones. "I'll be in the gym Bones", answered the Captain and got up. He needed to get all of this feelings out before he really did have an emotional breakdown. "Just don't send any injured crewmembers to me", sighed the CMO. "I'll do my best", answered Jim, then marched out of his room. Ideas for this speech started to form in his mind and he grimaced.

If it was a speech the admiralty wanted, it was a speech they would get.

* * *

Dr Leonard McCoy sighed after the doors to his private office had closed. Of course he knew how hard this all hit Jim, but that didn't mean he enjoyed what was happening. Uhura, Scotty and Sulu had already come and seen him, concerned for their captain, about his unusual behaviour.

Jim had stopped joking with the crew, barely bothered to talk to anyone and spent most of the time he didn't spend on the bridge or in his quarters in the gym.

Right now McCoy had just sent Chekov back to the bridge. The young Russian had almost made the doctor crack. Being the only one who knew what was bothering the captain aboard a ship with hundreds of people wasn't easy. And Chekov with his innocent 17 years could get almost any answer out of anyone. The navigator had only left, because McCoy had allowed him to see how close to despair his knowledge brought the CMO.

McCoy sighed again and wiped the tears that had gathered in his eyes away. He'd be damned if his med-team saw him crying over, to them, nothing. Pulling open a drawer, McCoy pulled out a glass and a bottle of whiskey and downed the first to glasses quickly, before filling himself a third.

Sure, drinking on the job was a bad idea, but he also wasn't a goddamn Psychiatrist, which Jim really needed to see sometime soon.

He still remembered how he'd worriedly searched half the campus in their second year in the academy. They'd just started the topic of Tarsus IV in most of their classes. In the first class they'd started it, **_Survival Strategies_**, he'd already figured that something was wrong with Jim. His friend had gone tense the second the topic had been revealed and had said nothing till the lesson was over. Of course McCoy had questioned him about it, but Jim had assured him he was fine. Not that he'd bought it, but he'd known better than to try and pressure James T. Kirk into telling him something. Their second class with this topic had been shocking though.

In **_Starfleet History_**, when they'd begun discussing whether or not Kodos had acted rightfully, Jim had shot up, chocked out an excuse and ran from the room. McCoy had been halfway out of his seat before the Professor had ordered him to stay.

After that, he'd needed two days, before even thinking of asking Pike where Jim went. He'd never forget the deep sorrow he'd seen in Pike's eyes when he'd asked, neither the broken voice he'd heard from the, back there, Captain while he'd led McCoy to his personal flat outside the campus. When they'd arrived and he'd found Jim curled up on the sofa, fast asleep, his cheeks wet and flushed up from crying, he'd almost had screamed in surprise. He knew deep under the tough and egoistical exterior Jim was a very emotional and open person, but he'd never seen him like this.

After asking, Pike had responded that it wasn't his story to tell, but that he'd excused Jim form his courses for indefinite time. He'd also allowed McCoy to come to the flat whenever he had the time to, since he felt Jim would need him. Boy had that man been right.

The second Jim had woken up and seen his friend sitting on the coffee table in front of him, he'd broken down into sobs. McCoy had never really handled anything like that. Sure, he still saw his daughter, but he'd never had to truly console her. Jim had clung to him, sobbing his heart out, all the while, without even consciously knowing it, telling McCoy everything.

From the day he arrived on Tarsus till he was back on earth. He left no detail out.

McCoy chocked on his whiskey when he remembered the pain that had spread inside him when getting to know all his friend had gone through. He gulped hard and clenched his eyes shut. _Don't cry now McCoy, goddammit we arrive at Tarsus soon and you soon need to start give everyone their injections, get yourself together! _

He did manage to get himself together, but that didn't stop two or three tears from escaping his eyes. McCoy scowled at those traitors and sniffed strongly before he wiped his face with his sleeve and gulped down the rest of his whiskey.

The second he'd put bottle and glass away again, there was a chime at his door and Nurse Chapel walked. "What is it?", asked McCoy, trying to keep his voice tight. It wasn't easy.

Nurse Chapel handed him a PADD and said: "The list of everyone that'll go down to Tarsus. We can start." McCoy checked the list, then nodded and got up.

"Let's get this over with."

* * *

Jim simply stood there and gazed at the picture in front of him. It was of nine children. Each of them was dirty, bloodied and injured. The haunted gleams in their eyes gave the whole picture a crazed aura. Without much problem he could name each of them and not for the first time he wondered what had happened to the others. They all had gotten separated after they'd arrived back on earth, had moved on with their lives to never see each other again.

Oh he could've looked for them, but they all had only known each other by their nicknames and the files of the Tarsus 9 were inaccessible for him. He'd need the rank Admiral for it, not Captain. And Jim definitely did not want to be an Admiral, not for a long time.

"Captain you have been staring at this particular picture for 3.76 minutes now", came Spock's voice from behind.

"So?", asked Jim, his voice forcedly empty.

"We should not keep the Admirals waiting much longer Jim", answered Bones and stepped next to him. "I know this is hard kid, but I bet Pike's starting to worry like hell." Jim looked at Bones, who looked back at him. His face was in his usual frown, but his eyes shone with understanding. Jim took another look around the room they were in, one of the rooms in the memorial hall, and nodded.

"Let's go." He walked off briskly, followed by his First Officer, CMO, Chekov and Sulu. Scotty and Uhura had stayed aboard the _Enterprise_, where Pike and Archer would stay as well, in guest quarters. Jim followed the decorations in the hall to where he assumed the 'ballroom' was. In there the memorial festivity would take place.

In there, in little over 24 hours, he'd hold a speech.

Once the doors opened, Jim found that Bones was right. He was met with a quite amusing sight. A worried Admiral Archer sat on a chair, his fingers crossed and his chin resting atop them, his elbows probed up on his knees. In front of him Pike paced up and down, his walking stick making a noise that echoed through the room. Jim walked closer and straightened up, then he cleared his throat and saluted.

"Admiral Archer, Admiral Pike."

Behind him he heard his crew do the same and both men looked up.

Relief and worry mixed in their faces and Pike, without caring, obviously, rushed forward and embraced Jim tightly. Now as James T. Kirk, he'd have pulled back immediately, would have acted like a good captain should, but his emotions were already on a rollercoaster so he simply hugged he man back, relishing in the strength he could draw from such a simply gesture. Behind him he heard confused murmurs from Chekov and Sulu.

After a while Pike pulled back and smirked sheepishly. "Not very professional, right Captain?"

Jim couldn't help but grin back at Pike and shake his head. Then he turned to Archer. "Thank you sir…for trying to help." Jim relaxed. He'd needed to say that.

Archer nodded and relaxed a bit as well. "Be strong Kirk. It's going to be alright."

"I sure hope so", answered Kirk, before finally pulling himself together again and asking: "Shall we?" Both admirals nodded and Jim turned around. He caught the eyes of each of his men. Bones' shone with understanding and also a little relief, Spock looked mostly curious, but Kirk believed to glimpse a bit of concern. Speaking of concern, that was the main-emotion in the eyes of Chekov and Sulu.

Swallowing a sigh, Kirk walked on, leading the admirals and his men out of the hall again. They walked for a little while Jim doing everything he had to keep from reacting to all the glares the group of Starfleet officers got.

He dearly wished to glare with them.

He did.

* * *

Admiral Christopher Pike heaved a small sigh while he waited in the transporter room. He and Admiral Archer were both in their Dress uniforms already. Slowly but steadily more people filled into the room, all of them the crewmembers the Admiralty had chosen for this event. Pike scanned the growing crowd every few seconds, hoping to catch a glimpse of his charge. He'd brought Jim Kirk to Starfleet and he'd be damned if he let him down now.

"Chris calm down a bit. I understand this is hard, but you're making the crew anxious with this tapping." Pike glanced at Archer, to find the older Admiral giving a pointed glance to his walking stick. Just now he did realise that he'd been tapping it relentless against the ground.

"Admirals." Both man looked to their right, to find Jim's First Officer standing in front of them.

"Commander", answered Pike while Archer gave a curt nod.

"Do you happen to know why the Captain isn't present yet?", asked Archer.

"Jonathan", warned Pike softly. In answer he only got a glare. Spock simply raised an eyebrow at the exchange, before he answered: "He and Doctor McCoy were still in the Captain's quarters when I left my own for the Transporter Room." Pike believed to see suspicion flash through the Vulcan's eyes. "Is there something I should know about Admirals?"

Pike scanned the man in front of him. Despite Spock always claiming to be Vulcan and in control of his emotions, he, like Jim, had figured out a way read the First Officer. You had to be good at reading people, otherwise you wouldn't be able to read Spock's emotions from his eyes. Right now all Pike could read though, was honest worry for his captain. "Not something we should tell you Commander", answered Pike. Spock once again raised an eyebrow, but accepted the answer.

Suddenly the door behind him slid open and in walked the two last members of the memorial-crew. Jim looked every bit the captain he was and while McCoy refused to keep more than a meter distance from the younger man, he managed to keep his usual façade up. Pike tuned Jim's short speech to his crew out and scanned the Captain.

His Dress uniform was clean and without wrinkles, his wild blonde hair smoothed down as much as it was possible making him look ridiculous and his blue eyes held their usual shine. All in all, Captain James T. Kirk looked ready for this. Only Pike and McCoy could see that he wasn't. They could see how tense his posture was, that his arms jerked more than usual with is gestures, that he barely kept his voice from trembling. Yet he kept himself together, filling Pike with pride.

Whatever the Admiralty threw at this kid, he didn't give up, he faced it, no matter how hard it hit him.

"…now, let's go down there and represent Starfleet the best we can. Scotty hit it!" Pike shook his head at the last sentence, but smiled when he saw the nervous tension leave most of the crew. "Aye captn'", answered Jim's chief engineer and Pike heard a growl from Archer.

He glanced at the other admiral, to find him glowering at Mr Scott. Before Pike could say anything else though, Jim approached them and asked: "Admiral, I'd appreciate if you'd wait with chewing out my chief engineer – _again_ – till after the festivity." Pike gave Archer a questioning look at Jim's exasperated voice. He got no answer, so he looked at his charge, who grinned and answered: "Every time Admiral Archer sees Scotty, he's chewing him out for…the Beagle incident."

Realisation dawned on Pike and he chuckled, before he turned to look at Mr Scott. The man worked quickly and cleanly, with a confidence Pike had come to admire in Jim's crew. He'd taken the best of the best onto his ship before the other Captains had even gotten a chance to read their files. Admittedly, many members of the _Enterprise's_ crew were quite young, but the best in their field.

Slowly the Transporter Room emptied till only Jim, Mr Spock, Dr McCoy, Mr Scott, Jonathan and Pike himself remained.

"Well, everyone up there! We're about ta beam down!", called Mr Scott. Pike made his way to the Transporter pad slowly, Jim by his side.

"Nervous?", asked Pike softly. Jim frowned and for a second his mask slipped. "Freaked out then", answered the admiral his own question. He got no answer, but didn't need one. Jim was close to being a nervous wreck, not that Pike blamed him.

"Ready Scotty?", asked Jim once they'd all taken position. "Voice activation on…we can start", answered Mr Scott and sped to the last empty pad. "Energize!", called Jim and the transporter activated.

Pike shuddered a bit.

The feeling of the transporter beam was familiar, but still nothing he particularly enjoyed feeling. In only a few seconds they'd arrived at their destination and Jim marched forward, flanked by his First Officer and CMO. Pike and Archer followed, followed by the rest of the present crew.

"Heads up and ignore any insults thrown our way", reminded Kirk. "No matter what they say, don't react. I don't care if they insult Starfleet, the Admiralty, the _Enterprise_, or even me. Just don't react to it." Muttered agreement came from the crew and Pike sighed silently. "Something the matter Chris?", asked Archer.

Pike shook his head and answered: "Kirk is just impressing me again and again. I know perfectly well that what he wants the most right now, has to be to join those that shout insults at us."

"As would I", answered Archer dryly. Pike looked at the older Admiral and Archer explained: "You know what I lost Chris. My sister used to contact me every two days. When I didn't hear from her for over a week I begged Starfleet that I could fly a ship out there to see if something was wrong. They refused. I continued to pester them, till they finally received that call that made them act…and then they refused to let me come aboard the ships they sent."

Pike watched Archer closely. He could only imagine how the man must have felt. He himself had been on one of the ships Starfleet had sent to Tarsus. He had almost collapsed at what he'd seen down on that planet. And his heart had broken when he'd realised who one of the nine children they'd found was.

"There they are!" The shout drew Pike's attention and he followed it, to frown. A group of man in suits stood at a corner of the memorial hall, glaring hatefully at the group of Starfleet Officers. He heard a few growl behind him, and then a young voice barked: "Get yourselves together guys!" Jim stopped and turned his head, prompting Spock, McCoy, Pike and Archer to do the same. Some officers glared at a young officer whose Dress Uniform indicated the rank Lieutenant.

"You would do good in listening to Lieutenant Riley. He is completely right. Get yourselves together, don't react to them, that's exactly what they want!" Jim's voice was stern with the demand of his orders being followed.

"Aye Captain", answered the Officers that felt spoken too.

"Good, move on." Jim picked up walking again and led everyone into the ballroom. It had been decorated with white roses and black, white, silver and golden streamers. A stage had been built in front of the great windows that showed Tarsus' landscape and in front of it were rows after rows of seats. Pike let out his breath when he sat down and muttered: "I get the feeling I'm more on edge than Kirk."

"You're not alone Chris", answered Archer and nodded to their right. Pike followed his gesture, to see not only Jim sitting on the edge of his seat, but McCoy as well. The doctor fiddled with a PADD, as if he searched for something. After a few minutes he gave up and got Jim's attention. The blonde turned to look at him, then took the PADD and quickly scrolled through whatever contents it had. It took a while, but then he handed it back to McCoy, looking a great deal more relaxed.

"I vonder vhat ze keptin's speech vill be like?", heard Pike Chekov state. He looked at the youngest officer aboard the _Enterprise_. The 17 year old looked at Sulu, who shrugged and answered: "Knowing the Captain it'll be something no one expects."

"Aye lad, best'll be to just lean back and let the captn' do", agreed Scott. Pike frowned, then was asked by Archer: "Do you have any idea what Kirk's planning?"

Pike shook his head and answered: "I'm surprised that he let McCoy in on it, but also glad. Kirk needs that support now. And no matter what he'll do, he'll have my support too."

"Even if he insults Starfleet and the Admiralty in his speech?"

Pike barked out a laugh and answered: "I know that he'll do at least that, and when he does that, I will have his back. The Admiralty needs to understand that they can't play with his life like that. If he openly insults us because of what happened here, maybe his point will get across."

Archer looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Kirk means more to you than you let on, doesn't he?"

Pike allowed a sigh to pass his lips and answered: "More than you think. I can't make up for the lack of childhood Kirk had, but I'll be damned if I let him down now." Archer raised an eyebrow and Pike stated sharply: "Kirk's story, not mine Jonathan. If you get to know, through him, not me. I will only say so much. Kirk's childhood was, for the lack of better word, fucked up. Tarsus IV is only the tip of the iceberg."

Suddenly a hush came over the audience and a man stepped onto the stage. Pike recognized him as one of Earth's many ambassadors. "Greetings everyone and thank you for coming. Today we are gathered here to remember what happened on Tarsus IV once and what won't…"

There Pike tuned the man out. He kept up the façade and looked like he was listening intently, but he concentrated more on Jim than anyone else. The kid grew more and more tense with every second that passed. More than once he saw McCoy placing a comforting hand on Jim's knee. The doctor didn't dare the shoulder, obviously. Who knew how people would react to a Starfleet captain being consoled.

Pike barely held in a growl at that.

Starfleet Captains were only people too, they had feelings too and not only the Admiralty forgot that often. Different people came onto the stage, each saying some thing or another, some daring to shout insults directly at the present Starfleet Officers. More than once Jim, Spock, Archer, Pike himself and Lieutenant Riley, the officer from before, had to hiss at others to get themselves together. Finally it came though.

"And now, our last speaker will be Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the _USS_ _Enterprise_."

Pike watched how Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before standing up and striding up to the stage.

* * *

"And now, our last speaker will be Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the _USS_ _Enterprise_." A flash of panic ran through Jim at those words and Bones' hand on his knee tightened its grip, before the Doctor pulled it away. Jim closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He took a deep breath and stood up. All eyes focused on him, but Jim pushed it aside. His eyes were locked on the landscape behind the windows.

The sun had just started to set, colouring the sky in soft shades of pink and orange.

He climbed the stairs and shook hands with whoever that ambassador was and stepped forward. All eyes were focused on him. Jim took a few deep breaths and looked at Bones and Pike. Both nodded in encouragement and Jim began.

"I know the majority of the people here probably don't even want to listen to what I have to say, and I really don't blame any of you if you stand up and go now, but I still ask you, stay and listen."

Jim took another deep breath. His voice sounded more pained than he'd anticipated. While he paused he looked at the audience. Many still glared, but no one moved to leave.

"Thank you. Now as you already heard, I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the _USS_ _Enterprise_. I know, Kirk is pretty big name, especially in the Federation and Starfleet. If any of you saw any of the interviews I've been forced into since I became Captain"

A few people chuckled here.

"You will have heard that one of my reasons for joining Starfleet was that I wanted to be known as who I am, not simply George Kirk's son. But that…is only a quite official reason for me joining Starfleet. I have a lot of them…but the one that means the most to me…and that many who believe they know me might not believe…is that I want to help. I joined Starfleet so I could help people, keep wars from happening…and to make sure that what happened here on Tarsus IV would never happen again."

By now the audience was completely silent.

"The question many of you ask themselves now, will most likely be: Why would he say that? What would this man, who had a perfect life care about what we went through when we lost our families here…or were even there by ourselves. Well, let me tell you something. There is no such thing as a perfect life. My life, especially my youth, was probably worse than the youth of most of you. I grew up without a father, without a mother that was truly there, with a brother that ran away and a stepfather that, as far as I know, is rotting in jail right now!"

He heard gasps from the audience and looked where Starfleet sat. His crew stared at their captain in shock, while McCoy gave another encouraging nod and Pike, although he looked surprised, did the same.

"When I was twelve, my Stepfather did something…planned to do something that…that just pissed me off. The last remaining thing of my father that was still there by them was an old car my father loved to work at in his free time…my stepfather wanted to sell it. Sell something that wasn't his. I snapped and drove the car off a cliff. I rather saw it destroyed than sold. The consequences of my actions…were bad. I'm not trying to win sympathy here, what I'm trying to tell you that, though I hate Starfleet as much as many of you do, they can't be perfect. No one is. Not even, and I hope my First Officer excuses that, Vulcan's are. We all are living beings. Beings with feelings. Beings that make mistakes. Starfleet's mistakes simply seem bigger to us, because we are a big organisation. We are here to make sure the peace in the federation holds. Believe me when I tell you, I'm not the only person aboard my ship that wishes to insult Starfleet and the Federation for all its worth whenever Tarsus IV comes to mind."

Jim took a few deep breaths and blinked tears away, before he continued: "And guilt is still resting deep within those Starfleet Officers that failed to realise the trouble Tarsus was in. Fear still rests in the hearts of those that hid away and pain in the hearts of those that came. Guilt is a feeling I know, a feeling I know well. As Captain I'm responsible for everyone in my crew. Should they die I contact their families personally. I don't have to. I could order a communications officer to do it. But I don't, because this is how I fight this guilt. I fight this guilt by admitting what happened, by trying to find out what I did wrong. Many people asked me to stop it already…but I can't. It's something I had beaten into me when I was young. I remember it clearly. How my friends and I hid out, how I tried to keep them safe…the guilt that ripped out my heart when we lost another friend…"

Now Jim started chocking on his words, but he gulped dryly and continued: "Their names, their faces, their deaths will always be imprinted into my memory. Now you'll ask the faces of who…and I want tell you, I really do…the question is, can I get myself to do it? The Admiralty sent me here, knowing what it would do to me, to my emotions. I was angry at first. That they would send me back to the place that caused me nightmares for so many years. But…now I start to see, maybe it was for the best. No matter if Kodos is still alive or not…maybe people need to see that we're still alive, still here."

He looked at the audience and saw shock and realisation on a few faces.

Jim gave a weak smile and whispered: "I remember it clearly. Whenever I would awake from my nightmares…there is only one thing that can calm me down. A song, a special song…eight very specific friends of mine should still know, carry it in their heart like I do…" Jim trailed off.

Down in the audience Bones activated his PADD again and activated something. "Dr McCoy what are you doing?", asked Spock. "You'll see hobgoblin", answered McCoy and pressed a last button. A soft melody started to play and McCoy heard a shocked gasp behind him he turned his head, to stare. It was Lieutenant Riley. _No_, thought McCoy, but his denial was broken when he saw the familiar look of pain, fear and the yarning for help in the man's eyes. He'd seen that look often with Jim.

Jim took a shuddering breath and whispered: "This song…I used to sing it every night when we hid out in the wilderness. It would give us hope…" He waited a second longer, closed his eyes and then started to sing.

"_Deep in the night  
__The winds blow cold  
__And in a heartbeat  
__The fear takes hold"_

Seven more gasps of realisation echoed through the silent audience, copying Riley.

"_Deep in the storm  
__There's a place that's soft and still  
__Where the road waits to be taken  
__If you only will"_

"_The voices inside you  
__Can lead your soul astray  
__Believe in what you dream  
__Don't turn away  
__Don't you turn away"_

A slight commotion began in the audience and Kirk opened his eyes. To his surprise, Lieutenant Riley stood in between the other Starfleet Officers and a few rows behind him a second man stood as well. Both placed their fists over their hearts and joined in.

"_Reach for the light  
__You might touch the sky  
__Stand on the mountaintop  
__And see yourself flying  
__Reach for the light  
__To capture a star  
__Come out of the darkness  
__And find out who you are"_

"_Somewhere in time  
__The truth shines through  
__And the spirit knows  
__What it has to do"_

"_Somewhere in you  
__There's a power with no name  
__It can rise to meet the moment  
__And burn like a flame"_

Pike looked around, much like everyone else, but most looked confused why a Starfleet Captain and a few others suddenly sung a song. But Pike understood. You only had to count. Including Jim and Riley nine people had risen from their seats.

"_And you can be stronger  
__Than anything you know  
__Hold on to what you see  
__Don't let it go  
__Don't you let it go"_

Each of them placed their fist over their hearts and joined in on the song.

"_Reach for the light  
__You might touch the sky  
__Stand on the mountaintop  
__And see yourself flying  
__Reach for the light  
__To capture a star  
__Come out of the darkness  
__And find out who you are"_

"_Now, there's no turning back  
__When your destiny is calling  
__Listen to the thunder roll  
__And let your heart break free"_

Pike knew this song perfectly well by himself, as did McCoy, but both knew they weren't meant to join in. This was a special song, a song that conected nine people that had been spread over the Universe for the last few years. Nine people that came back to the planet that had had a great impact on their childhood.

"_Reach for the light  
__You might touch the sky  
__Stand on the mountaintop  
__And see yourself flying  
__Reach for the light  
__To capture a star  
__Come out of the darkness  
__And find out who you are"_

Jim couldn't believe it when he realised who those eight that had risen from their seats were. But now, looking at them with tears, he could name every one of them.

"_Reach for the light  
__You might touch the sky  
__Stand on the mountaintop  
__And see yourself flying  
__Reach for the light  
__To capture a star  
__Come out of the darkness  
__And find out who you are"_

"_Reach for the light"_

The second the song was over, Jim wiped his tears away and croaked out. "I won't go any clearer…than this with what I tried to tell you. Those who I wanted to understand do. Lastly, let me…give you a promise. This colony will not end up like the last one. I'd rather be tortured to my death…than let anything that happened in the massacre happen ever again. Thank you."

Jim took a step back and lowered his head. It was dead silent, before soft clapping started.

His head jerked up and he saw Pike staggering up from his seat. Bones copied the admiral and soon applause rang through the room. Jim couldn't help himself when a small grin spread over his face, contrasting against the tears that still ran down his cheeks. He left the stage and walked back to his seat, when someone intercepted him.

It was no other than a certain Lieutenant. He grinned at Jim under tears and asked: "Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

Jim laughed weakly and argued: "I could ask you that…shit Kev I missed you!" He pulled the younger man into a hug.

Riley hugged him back immediately, chocking out: "I thought I'd never see you or any of the others ever again JT. And here I've been, serving under the very person who kept me alive on this goddamn planet."

"Don't", asked Jim and pulled back. "Call me Jim, James, Kirk, Captain…even Tiberius for all I care…but not that nickname anymore."

Riley nodded and answered: "But only if you call me by my real name or title…Captain."

"Alright Lieutenant."

Riley stepped back, for Kirk to be pulled against Bones. "I'm proud of you kid."

"Thanks Bones…for everything." The two pulled apart, for Kirk to see that the official part of this goddamn festivity was over. The rest of his crew stood back, while Archer and Pike both nodded proudly. "Alright guys, speak your mind", sighed Jim.

Immediately Uhura marched forward and slapped him. Gasps rang thought the room. "Okay? What was that for? I didn't even say anything perverted yet", asked Jim and rubbed his cheek, but froze when he saw the tears that his communications officer desperately tried to hold back.

"You idiot", whispered the woman and finally she hugged him. "You could've told us, told me, Kirk. I might not always act like it, and you don't either, but I am your friend." Jim gulped and, with a glance at his First Officer, hugged the woman back. Spock didn't react. He knew that this was nothing intimate.

"I never told anyone but Pike and Bones Uhura. It tried, but couldn't", answered Kirk softly. Uhura nodded and pulled away. By now she was crying as well. She stepped back and rushed to her boyfriend. Spock accepted her embrace and allowed her to cry against his shoulder.

The First Officer's eyes locked with Jim's and in them he read everything he knew even the Vulcan couldn't put into words. He nodded, before someone almost knocked him over. Looking down, he met unruly brown hair. "Chekov?", asked Kirk. He got no answer, but the soft sobbing that indicated that the Ensign was crying. That once again reminded Kir how young his best navigator was. With a sad smile he wrapped his arms around Chekov and pulled him closer. The boys sobbing increased and he clung to his captain for dear life. "Shhh, it's okay Pavel. That was years ago. I'm here now and fine. Shhh. Don't worry", Jim had, with all honesty, no idea what he did. He just did what he used to do whenever he had to comfort one of his kids when it was upset.

After a few minutes Chekov had stopped sobbing and stepped back.

Jim released him, to meet the Ensign's eyes. Forcing a weak grin he clapped the kid on the shoulder and stated: "No need to look so ashamed Chekov. You did nothing wrong." Chekov only nodded and stepped back a bit more, to be embraced by Sulu. The helmsman, like Spock, only looked at Jim, but again it was enough.

Chekov needed his best friend far more than Jim needed the helmsman right now.

He turned to the last member of his command crew, to be pulled into a bone-crushing hug. Before Jim could react however, Scotty had already stepped away and wiped his tears from his eyes. The rest of the crew only nodded to their captain and dried their own tears, before they started to walk away, intending to join the get together in another room.

One after the other left, till only Jim, Bones, Pike and Riley remained.

Jim, ignoring everyone else, walked up to a window and looked out into the night. It was beautiful and heart-breaking. After a few minutes Riley stepped next to him and stated: "Captain there are some people who wish to talk to you." Jim and his Lieutenant turned around, to see seven familiar people standing in front of them. Four men and three women. All of them wore sad and knowing smiles.

Jim smiled back and stepped forward. For a second no one moved, then the nine of them moved into a big group hug.

They saw each other for the first time in many years, but if Jim had his way it wouldn't be the last time.

* * *

**I got the Idea for this fic after I heard the song Reach for the Light. It just...inspired me. The song...in my opinion it Shows to never give up hope. And hope was something Kirk definately needed on Tarsus.**


End file.
